you know, when i look back on my life, i never really had a chance.
i mean, ‘everyone’ has a CHANCE; but i mean, like; a REAL chance – like, when people actually CARE and INVEST in you, your potential, and your future.
the same way it takes a village to RAISE a child, it takes a village to let one down
there’s two types of chances:
1: you’re given a (BLACK) life – food: (wonder bread, kool-aid, top ramen, sunny delight, and a diet of canned food and happy meals), clothing: (barely any new school clothes / shoes at the beginning of every school year – if any at all), and shelter: (low-income housing in one of the worst parts of the city) – and that’s just the BEGINNING of a Black life…EVERYDAY before we even leave the house in the morning…
2: a ‘real’ chance
a REAL chance is obviously one where each of the listed items above are REVERSED (healthy food, conservative, practical clothing, STABLE housing that a youth can be proud of (in a relatively SAFE area) – where someone actually takes the time to SHOW YOU how society works (taxes / property / ownership / assets and commodities / higher education), the pitfalls of life and how to avoid them, and helps you formulate a plan of action in which you can understand and GET OUT of the lowest rungs of American hell.
…none of this i was afforded to a practical (or even responsible) level by anybody at any time…never was afforded a REAL CHANCE. i had yet to discover that i was:
TARGETED & LET DOWN
those two things are what i believe to be my downfall…those two things are what i believe to be MOST BLACK PEOPLE’S downfall.
and to be honest, those two things are one in the same – sidenote – none of my inherent or natural talents OR interests were IDENTIFIED or DEVELOPED by ANYONE. no adult – whether an employee of the city, state, etc; parent, family member, etc. EVER took the time to say, “HEY, you are really good at that!” or “I THINK YOU MIGHT BE REALLY GOOD AT THIS!” so i’m going to help you get on the track of developing and maximizing that ability that you have even MORE…i’m going to actually invest TIME and ENERGY into you…I NEVER HAD THAT.
most of my adolescence was spent with me being left to my own devices – lot’s of video games, lot’s of hanging around the coolest / toughest guys i could find, and lot’s of feeling a combination of LOST / UNCARING / HOPELESS / NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
and honestly? a kid the age that i was should NEVER be contemplating the negativity that i was contemplating at that age…i should have been contemplating positive stuff – but when you are basically abandoned and left to do ‘whatever’, then you are UNDOUBTEDLY going to find trouble.
i was let down by the same people who were supposed to be my examples, my heroes, my caretakers and providers. and to tell you the ABSOLUTE truth – these people’s days are now numbered since they are hitting their 60’s now – and when their time is actually UP, i have no idea if OR how much i’m even going to REALLY care.
i sustained a lot of mega-damage over the years; probably shouldn’t be free OR alive right now…STILL dealing with what the cards that i was dealt turned me into…ALWAYS wondering what i could have been if this person wouldn’t have died or if that person would have gave a shit…wondering what would have happened if i never lived on this block or that block, wondering what would have become of me if ANYBODY actually believed in Black kids.