i’ve had a f’d up year*


if i were to define that word as per dictionary definition, it would look something like this:

“regrets, reflections, memories, WHAT IFS; balanced by the sheer genius of realizing that you are a living, breathing, spiritual, being with unlimited potential – an entity amongst many other beautiful entities – willfully purposed and placed here on the planet we formally call EARTH – to achieve great things – to experience LOVE, HATE, REMORSE, PAIN, PLEASURE, and everything in between. an entity that will at times be the VICTIM – and at other times be the CULPRIT – an entity that will learn, and possibly go down in history as more than just someone who came and went without much notice.

LIFE – not just something that you HAVE, but that you ARE.

BUT – we live in an era of mass FEAR, CONFUSION, HYPOCRISY, greed, insecurity and DISTRACTION. and we live in a climate of wanton IGNORANCE and systematic oppression for certain groups of people (among other things).

i sum it up as yin and yang; necessary evils that we have to endure in order to appreciate the blessings – i digress –

i have a story:

i have a lot of hate in my heart, a lot of disdain for the system that influenced where i am in my life right now, a lot of people have let me down – a lot of people who probably should have been there for me weren’t; OR – the people who actually WERE there were there in a diminished, and / or compromised fashion …but i have a lot of love in my heart, too…because i probably shouldn’t even be alive right now…so it’s a STALEMATE.

so in all of the shit that i have been through in my life, the many LET DOWNS, the disappointments, the abandonment, the lies, the MISINFORMATION – i’m still here…

and it’s not about still being here JUST TO BE HERE; but to IMPROVE; another chance…another day – more TIME; more LESSONS. i swear this whole shit is about lessons and chances

…i see a BALANCE in life – i see balance in PHASES – i see the pros and cons…but in between the pros and the cons; all we are left with are QUESTIONS…unanswered questions…of the philosophical taste.

questions are the gray area in life…the concerns that never get addressed; the WHY’s; wondering what’s next – but we continue to forge along each day – – – blindly; even though we like to tell ourselves that we know what the immediate future (the next 24 hours) holds.


i have a LOT of questions; but i also have a lot of faith and trust –


even though i took a pretty significant loss this year – which has dramatically altered my creativity output – i have no choice but to look at it as another TEST.

another challenge – another phase of adversity to get through and learn from.

BUT – this loss has really pissed me off more than any other in my LIFE.

i still have faith thought that the shit happened for a reason; and ONE OF THESE DAYS, i’m gonna find out who did the shit – and possibly the whole event will make sense.

karma has a funny way of straightening certain types of shit out certain types of ways.

and i know this because i’ve been on the other side of it.

but outside of that, i’m gonna get it back together now – since all that Macklemore hype has basically calmed way the fukc down now; so i can finally fukcing concentrate without all the bullshit-ass “white noise” (noise containing many frequencies with equal intensities.) …if you catch my drift…


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